


Living, Breathing, Dying

by Redletter



Category: Captain America Civil War, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Arc Reactor, Betrayal, Gen, Introspection, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 06:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10938681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redletter/pseuds/Redletter
Summary: “Did you know?”“I didn’t know it was him.”Liar.“Don’tbullshitme, Rogers. Did you know?”Steve’s face is hard and unyielding. Righteous in his betrayal.“Yes.”Tony breaths in and attacks.





	Living, Breathing, Dying

Tony remembers a lot of moments in his life.

The elation of his first circuit board and the feeling of potential buzzing at small fingers.

Four years old knowing he wants to be an astronaut, wants to be among the stars.

_(years later he will not be able to think about space with steady hands)_

A fifth birthday with a cake, a boy and a butler. His parents were at a charity auction in Taiwan.

His first weapon at age nine; a bomb to distract the men enough so he can get away.

His father’s voice over the telephone explaining that _your mother and I are very busy, it’s better if you visit next holidays_.

_(he won't be able to visit the next school break either)_

His first drink at twelve.

His first joint at thirteen.

Fifteen at a college party with strangers, too drunk to stand and a tall boy with worried eyes who helps him get back to his dorm. 

Sixteen and laughing with Rhodey and wondering is this what friendship feels like. Because he’s never had it before, not really, not with someone who’s hasn’t been paid to be there.

Sixteen, lying paralysed on the floor with Sunset’s lipstick on his mouth and his blueprints gone.

_(when he looks back he will realise where his 'peeve' comes from)_

Seventeen, at graduation eyes scanning the crowd for two faces he knows won’t be there. At least Obie turned up. He had Obie.

Twenty four and a furious red-head storms into his office accusing him of _incorrect distribution of funds_ and honestly he might be a little bit in love.

 

Tony remembers other things to.

Things like a car battery in his chest that sparked every time they shoved his head underwater. The tightness is his chest and roughness of his throat as he desperately sucks in air.

Or how every breath for years ached around this fucking metal contraption that fills the hole cut out of him. 

Or how it wasn’t only a physical pain when his friend and father-figure stood over him murmuring about golden eggs.  
_(he wonders for how many years Obadiah has hid assassination plots for something as _stupid_ as money behind caring smiles and kind eyes)_

Or how he was sure the palladium poisoning wasn't just effecting his heart because every time he woke from a nightmare about a cold cave in Afghanistan he can't breathe past the water in his lungs.

Or how he screamed through the taste of coconut and metal after his birthday party.

Or space, how his chest burned with every aborted inhalation and _please can the explosion get me first, I don’t want to die drowning alone in space._

Or the realisation, with the debris of his home floating around him, that to die with lungs so empty they could burst might be the worst thing that will ever happen to him.

_(Tony wants to die in an explosion of light and sound, to be seen and heard. Before all of this, he wanted to slip quietly away in his sleep, leaving behind a legacy of advancement and progress. Now he knows the improbability of a peaceful death, he knows he doesn't deserve one.)_

Or how easy it was to breath with the arc reactor out, with a team of friends he trusts and who trust him _(he finds out later why no one came to help when his house fell into the sea but it’s okay he understands)_ , with Rhodey and Pepper and Happy and everything is good. Everything is amazing.

Or experimenting and building with Bruce, having someone talk his language and understand the compulsion to create to _improve_.

Remembers how different the feel of an enemies hand around his neck is to the hands of a friend, even if they are brothers.

Remembers Bruce's sudden absence like a pit in his stomach and the knowing that he has been abandoned with the responsibility of an obliterated city and perhaps one of the most brilliant inventions known to man.

_(sometimes he's not sure if he's referring to Vision or Ultron)_

Remembers being unable to suck in a breath because there was a hand pressing a picture into his chest and _you murdered him he’s dead I blame you_ -

Remembers how disappointment stole the breath from his lungs because he was enough of an idiot to think that Natasha would choose him.

_(he should have known that _of course_ the women who's secrets have secrets couldn't be trusted. But it had been nice to have Natasha understand the need to wipe red off the ledger.)_

Remembers the sharp inhalation to scream his best friends name because he already knows _oh god oh god he's not going to make it-_

_You gotta watch your back with this guy, there's a chance he gonna break it_

Tony remembers all of this.

Remembers his loving, gentle mother and his charming intelligent, father. 

And he thinks about a scarred hand around Maria's throat.

Her small choking gasps.

_(and it's the worst thing, his own nightmares about suffocating on nothing and to see this god he doesn't want to see this, please-)_

How easy it was to cave in Howard's skull, with two swift punches from a metal hand.

He remembers decades spent hating his father because of what his addiction took from Tony.

Remembers being so _fucking_ thankful when the officer assured him that _if it's any consolation she didn’t feel anything, son_.

_(if it's any consolation they died in their sleep)_

And he wonders how he could have missed this, he is supposed to predict these things, because _the futurist is here, gentlemen!_

_(later he will hate Steve for ruining his good memories of the team, that now all of the dinners and birthdays and party's have been corrupted by this massive _fucking_ lie that-  
wait if Steve knew when the helicarriers fell then Natasha knew and if Natasha knew then she must have told Clint and wasn't Sam with them and jesusfuckdideveryoneknow-)_

Tony looks at the man who has tears in his eyes and scarred fingers on the trigger of a gun. 

_Who’s that? That’s Captain America’s best friend, Sergeant Barnes._

_Please help my wife, help my- Sergeant Barnes?_

He looks at the friend who didn’t trust him enough.

_I’ll miss you Tony. ___

_Sometimes my team mates don’t tell me things._

Tony wants to laugh at how _fucking unfair_ life is but the air is frozen in his chest. 

_"Is everything a joke to you?"_

__“Did you know?”_ _

“I didn’t know it was him.” _Liar._

“Don’t _bullshit_ me, Rodgers. _Did you know_?" 

__Steve’s face is hard and unyielding. Righteous in his betrayal._ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__Tony breaths in and attacks._ _

__

__\---------------------------------------------------------------  
I just really felt for Tony in this movie, having gone through his entire life thinking his parents died quickly and still not coming to terms with it. Completely Team Tony on this one guys. Please comment if you see any mistakes, would love to hear feedback._ _


End file.
